A Clean, Well-Lighted Place

New Things

2009-11-15T20:57:00.001-08:00

Hey Folks,

So if you didn't know, I'm switching to a different site. I'll still be checking in from time to time because this has a much better window to let you follow people from multiple sites, but I won't be posting very often anymore.

Here's the new one:

jeremymichaelreed.tumblr.com

See all you Marshall folks soon for Thanksgiving,
Jeremy

Fog-Filled Morning

2009-09-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

Fog is its own thing.

I walked outside this morning and it was just hazy. Everything seemed heavy and quiet. For some reason it seemed as if no one was supposed to be outside. Rather than the normal fifty-some people I see on my walk, I only saw three or four.

I walked past a few people and then felt a raindrop. It wasn't raining, it was just a single drop. And then another. But they were spread out enough that I could tell they weren't going to suddenly break into some downpour, and I was absolutely sure that I wasn't going to hear any thunder or see any streak of light flash across the sky. It was dark, suppressed, and damp, and I'd even felt a raindrop, but I knew none of it wasn't going to open up like that. It was so finessed. So as I walked, I was able to just pay attention to those few individual raindrops. One, two. One, two.

I got to the building just fine. Nothing happened of any importance while I made my way over there. It was just my fog-filled morning.

"Strange Things Are Happening Everyday"

2009-09-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

So, something kind of cool but also really interesting has been happening to me lately. I keep running into the same themes everywhere. For instance:

The other day I was having a conversation with some friends about gender roles and ended the conversation saying I didn't understand conscious prayer.

The next paragraph of my reading for my Theo class was about prayer.

Today in my theo class we spoke of gender and the garden of Gethsemane.

Yesterday some other friends of mine spoke about the changeability of God and the idea of what happened in the garden of Gethsemane.

We're reading a book in my Word & Image class that talks a lot about the silence of God.

I read a phenomenal short story this weekend that talked about God's responding to people, and gender roles, and prayer (look up Andre Dubus if you don't know him, it was great).

I read Shelley's "Defense of Poetry" for my Brit Lit class and it said "Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world", but the idea of what creative writing is has been something I've been reading from my American Lit class, and that Jonathan Franzen collection of essays, even to trying to find some more things about Bonhoeffer in the library to reading a book by C.S. Lewis a friend wants to talk to me about, and once more in what my friend Jake mentioned about this guy named G.K. Chesterton I have to check out.

Oh, and I've been dealing with the rhythm of thought and life and conversation and religion and the truthfulness of fiction over the real world since this summer (or how about our whole lives, right?), and hey, that seems to cover just about everything.

It's just been downright uncanny.

I'm going to post a story I wrote this summer on my other blog sometime soon. Thinking of putting it in for the literary journal here on campus. It's the only thing I wrote all summer. Kind of worried about it being the only thing I submit, but for some reason I feel a hesitation to go back to what I wrote last semester in my short story writing class.

Everything's going great, just a lot at once. Although, I have a penpal back and am looking forward to figuring out what the hell I'm going to write to her, haha.

Hope you're all doing just swell.

Oh, and keep your fingers crossed for my paper I turned in today. I didn't realize until I got there that I hadn't put the Works Cited page on it. I only used one book though, so let's hope my professor overlooks it? Well, let's keep up my illusion until we can't at least.

Valpoland Begin Again

2009-09-01T07:44:00.000-07:00

So I've been back at school for a little over a week now, and it's been great and downright lonely from time to time since I stepped foot on campus.

This is the place most like home for me now, I've come to figure out. Which is nice and great and warm and inviting and all those things you would want to feel on your way back to school in the Fall.

I've also been without a roommate the entire time though, which has been both liberating and lonely. I haven't lived by myself before and have been wanting an experience like that, but in the end I still have to come back to an empty room every night. I never realized how having a roommate all last year was a comfort in a lot of ways until now.

It's funny how this is so much more of a religious place than Marshall and my group of friends there. I mean, back at Marshall most of my friends live atheistic lives or at least ones devoid of religious worry and thought. I swear, within six hours of being here I was locked into a theological/social debate.

This I find really exciting and stimulating to this noggin of mine, but at the same time can be downright draining as well. It's funny how LCMS and ELCA shenanigans don't seem to matter to the outside world, but for some people here it's all they think about.

The basic debate for the past few weeks has been about the homosexual minister proclamation of the ELCA from their August meeting. You can obviously see the metaphorical shit flying now in this "independent Lutheran" campus. So, it's been really interesting the whole time talking to people about it, but I can't shake the surreality of it. It didn't even cross my mind all summer, and I had one of my most religiously free and at the same time religious-thought-filled summers of my entire life; religiously free in my daily life and religious-thought-filled in my letters back and forth with my friend Emily, whom I met here unsurprisingly.

Anyway, if anyone wants to shoot crap about religion I'm always here because I do still find it really interesting, but every once in a while I do have to take a step back and ask what this is all about, pull myself out of the fray from time to time and look around.

Classes have been really great. My Word & Image class is going great and we're reading Plato (aka, pumped beyond belief). My Theo class is really interesting and really skewed to the left in terms of student opinions, but it should be really interesting. My Brit Lit is going amazingly, and my American Lit is kind of like a history class right now but the prof is really enthusiastic about it so that's cool. My Hispanic Lit is going well, but is more like a high school class still than any of the others, although that could be because of our having more difficulty with it as well.

I've been reading a collection of essays by Jonathan Franzen in my own spare time entitled How To Be Alone (ironic, right?) but it's been sitting on my shelf all summer and I knew I just had to get to it. It's been amazing. A lot of really cool stuff about the place fiction holds and reading holds in society today, aka for all of us, aka it still can rock your socks and has been rocking mine.

Hope all is well with all of you out there.

Bye for now.

books pt. 2

2009-08-26T21:24:00.001-07:00

So, I finished my summer reading this morning (I ran a little over, but I was a little over-hopeful of finishing my last pick before classes started). I don't quite remember the exact order I read them in, but I'll give you guys a run down of what I managed to fit into those last few weeks.

1. John Updike - Rabbit Run

I really enjoyed this one. It took me a couple tries to get into it, I was such a fan of his short stories I've read and this felt so different from the very beginning, but his descriptions are remarkable and the honesty he gives to Rabbit was really great. There were parts that I completely identified with and parts that I completed hated Rabbit for, but in a sense, by my reactions, Updike did pretty well. The ending was a little off for me, but not overly so. It's better in reflection than at the moment you read it.

"Sun and moon, sun and moon, time goes." "He misses the familiar Lutheran liturgy, scratched into his heart like a weathered inscription."

2. Saul Bellow - Henderson the Rain King

I read Herzog in my senior year of high school. I picked it at random for a project. It probably changed everything. This book was a great, different version of that. More entertaining. More outrightly emotional. Still Bellow. I would have a lot of Bellow to come after a visit to Goodwill turned up some great finds, but at this point in the summer, this was one of my favorite books in a long time, immediately recognizable as such.

"We were yelling and jumping and whirling through terrified lanes, feet pounding, drums and skulls keeping pace. And meanwhile the sky was filling with hot, gray, long shadows, rain clouds, but to my eyes of an abnormal form, pressed together like organ pipes or like the ocean ammonites of Paleozoic times. With swollen throats the amazons cried and howled, and I, lumbering with them, tried to remember who I was. Me. With the slime-plastered leaves drying on my skin. The king of the rain. It came to me that still and all there must be some distinction in this, but of what kind I couldn't say."

3. T.S. Eliot - Four Quartets

I'd never really read T.S. Eliot. I mean, everybody knows him. I'd read excerpts. I'd tried "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" once. This is different. In these four poems, and that's all this book is, the last four real poems of his to be published, he basically gets life. Now, I know all poets get some part of life, and some poets get the big picture of life, but the pages in my edition are kind of falling apart, the ink has worn away in some places, and meanwhile he's carrying on about the entirety of life in ways that I never dreamed would be as beautiful. He was kind of a lunatic, intellect-elitist to the extreme, and one hell of an anti-semite, but goddamned if these aren't amazing.

"So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years -
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l' entre deux guerres
Trying to learn to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate - but there is no competition -
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business."

4. Saul Bellow - Seize the Day

A good little novella. Praised nearly unanimously, but I like his novels better. Still hits home in quite a sufficient number of places.

"It can't be studied in the abstract. You have to take a specimen risk so that you feel the process, the money-flow, the whole complex. To know how it feels to be a seaweed you have to get in the water." (Not the best quote by far, but I've found it came in handy quite a few times.)

5. John Kennedy Toole - The Neon Bible

Not what I expected. I'm an Arcade Fire fan. I knew they always said the album had nothing to do with the book. I now see what they mean. But it is a cool phrase, and a pretty decent book. I was pleasantly surprised at how similar parts of it were to Flannery O'Connor (and that is a big plus in my book). All in all, worth the read, and very very quick to do so.

"If it was day outside, I could see where I was. I've never been this far from home in my life. We must be almost two hundred miles away now. With nothing to see, you have to listen to the click-click-click of the train. Sometimes I hear the whistle sounding far ahead. I've heard it plenty times, but I never thought I'd be riding with it. And I don't mind the clicking. It sounds like the rain on a tin roof at night when it's quiet and still and the only thing you can hear is the rain and the thunder."

6. Saul Bellow - Mr. Sammler's Planet

Definitely the preachiest of his books that I've read so far, but the main character is also a really old man. Great parts as always, but the hardest for me to get through. The Jewish perspective of the Holocaust survivor was especially amazing to me, a viewpoint I had little time to think about when it came to the history books in school.

"No matter where you picked it up, humankind, knotted and tangled, supplied more oddities than you could keep up with."

7. Jeannette Walls - The Glass Castle

I've had and wanted to read this book since I was doing my college visit rounds a few years ago and basically every school I went to was reading this as the "All Campus Read". It's a memoir, so the only non-fiction I read all summer, but was quick and moving and didn't get stuck in mopey dumps some hard off people get in when personally explaining their pasts. This probably had to do with the ability of Walls to protray her memories as she would have seen them as a child. Short and to the point. It was a good read. Page turner.

"For chairs, we used some smaller spools and a few crates. Instead of beds, we kids each slept in a big cardboard box, like the ones refrigerators get delivered in. A little while after we'd moved into the depot, we heard Mom and Dad talking about buying us kids real beds, and we said they shouldn't do it. We liked our boxes. They made going to bed seem like an adventure."

8. Jonathan Safran Foer - Everything Is Illuminated

I've seen this movie about 5 or 6 times. I love it. The images and the story never go away. This book does the same thing but about 300 times more and in a way that's about 300 times more interesting. Moving, hilarious, modern, and blurring reality and fiction. I liked it so much that this guy's first novel is now one of my favorite books. And I'm looking for his second one any chance I get.

"Love, in your writing, is the immovability of truth."

9. Haruki Murakami - The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

Now, I really like stories that have multiple story lines and characters that really pop out at you. This is why I love One Hundred Years of Solitude and Invisible Man, and this one is really close to just as good as those ones (but that's subjective). Far and away the longest book I read this summer, it was well worth the read. There are moments in it that I will never forget, and his use of different types of communication (dialogue, letter writing, instant messaging, telephone conversations, etc) was really interesting. You can tell he doesn't plan out his novels beforehand (which apparently he doesn't), but it doesn't in any way detract from what seems to be hailed as his best work.

"Is it possible, finally, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another?"

So, from here I'm starting in on school reading, which has already proved good. I'm also reading a collection of essays I found at a Goodwill by Jonathan Franzen, read The Corrections if you haven't. It should prove easy to read in chunks as I have time. I'll probably update as to school and happenings sometime this weekend just to catch everybody up on what's been going on. That's enough typing for now. Bye.

And The Wind Comes 'Round Again

2009-08-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

Moved back to school today.

Already feels good.

News Stations and My Loss of Respect for Brian Williams

2009-07-31T07:51:00.000-07:00

"We are all in a front seat to history"

Well, yes, Brian Williams, that is true. We're all sitting here watching tons of "titanic" things go on in front of our eyes and we can only wonder how everyone else will react.

"Making Sense of it All. That's what we do."

Well, no, Brian Williams, that is not true. That's not what you're supposed to do as a newsanchor. You're supposed to simply tell us the news. Journalism is supposed to have a removed, objective stance that does not include the author. This isn't Gonzo journalism here, you're NBC news. Just report.

Now, I fully understand that NBC is nowhere near the only ones making this mistake, but a commercial aired this morning with Brian Williams explaining oh so graciously those statements I quoted above. When will the news report news without its own stance ingrained in the program or without their own aims and wishes being pushed? Really, that's all I want from you.

I don't want the Today show to have two hours of home-making and fluff slots and weddings. I want Ann Curry at her desk giving me a run down of what happened while I'm asleep, but with no cute aside at the end. I want the interviews and one-on-one pieces to be "specials" on at a different time of night. When I turn on the news, I want the news and only the news.

Now, the stations with the biggest threat of falling into giving me more than I want and with the worst track record in that are the 24 hour news stations. Down the line. NBC, CBS, FOX (dear god), and CNN too.

I've come to terms with Fox being a station of opinion pieces. That's also why I don't watch it.

NBC and CBS can have it out if they so desire, but it's not like I'm going to watch them if they don't step it up a notch here.

CNN. I do watch these guys, but that's why more than nearly any other, they make me sick. I mean, I can't deal with Wolf Blitzer for four hours. I really can't. I also can't deal with your reporting being so reliant on Facebook and Twitter. Actually do your own reporting. And the guy you have doing your mid-day news from Georgia, he can take a hike too. Looks like he took a few tips from Kathie Lee over at the Today Show. He just makes fluff jokes amid actual reporting that could be going on.

Now, Jon Stewart is funny because all of what I've said is true and he's better at picking it out than I am. But in terms of real newscasters out there doing their jobs, they do exist. Campbell Brown can really do a decent job. I've seen some of her interviews from the campaign last fall and they were what they needed to be, not acquiescing to the candidate's wishes but reporting what needed to be reported and asking what needed to be asked. I've only seen her show a couple times, but it also seems to be decent. Anderson Cooper could do a decent job if he didn't do those weird trying-to-get-the-common-person pieces, like video clips and viewer winner things, and all those really witty self-deprecating jokes he allows on his show via that sidekick. It just makes him look like a game show host, or like he's trying to one up The Soup.

RIP Walter Cronkite. He had his own interesting views, but he could report. Because they have nothing to do with each other. Weird thought, I know.

I don't know what I or anyone else will take out of this but what happened to real newscasting? Just cast it, we're all here to pick it up. And for god's sakes, Brian Williams, don't make sense of events for me before "reporting" them, if that's still what you call what you do. Just tell me what happened as unbiasedly as you can, and I can go from there. Thanks.

Good News

2009-07-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

So here's the good news for this Sunday morning from my own little world.

Last night, I was kept up by a story idea for the first time in a long time. If I've spoken to you about it, which I've spoken to most of you who read this, I've been having a hard time writing this summer. It was a combination of pretty much everything that could go into a piece from this summer: the things and authors I've read, the people I've come to appreciate, the letters I've been writing, and the rain that was hanging around last night. I'm pretty satisfied, but as with all things I write I'd like to give it some time to ferment before I put it out there for everyone to read. I'm sure you will see it sometime in the near future though. I was just really excited about writing again.

Also, my grandparents had some of their old Army friends out today to church. I'd never met them before, but it was so great to witness the woman and my grandma hugging throughout the service, just glad to be around each other again. They really needed something like that after the last couple years. I can't believe it's been two years since all that stuff started going on. Wow. Anyway, it was really nice to see that this morning. That alone was worth going to church, let alone all else.

Now I'm headed up to Big Rapids to visit some friends at Ferris, Shallon and Lorne, who are now engaged to be married (talk about growing up, sheesh, haha). I've never visited them up there before and am really glad I'll be able to get that in before I go back to school this fall.

Speaking of which, I am very excited for that to happen. SO excited to get back. Home has been really hard this summer for no reason and a lot at the same time. Big deals were made out of little things and big things have been glossed over, but I am really looking forward to school and reading and classrooms and talking with friends really late while drinking coffee at the library. Update: There's a pretty good chance I'll be living in Valpo next summer, so I'm trying to get a bunch of summer stuff in while I'm here. I'll be around for breaks and stuff, but I think the job market will be a lot better there, and it would be a lot of fun to live with all of my school friends before studying abroad (which hopefully I will be in Spain sometime during my Junior year).

That's all for now. Excited about things and happy. Been doing a lot of reading. You'll get an update on the second half of my summer reading some time next month probably. They've all been pretty good.

Have a good rest of your summer, folks. Been nice to see those of you I've seen. Keep me updated on your lives. I know I don't update these very often, but I check all of yours fairly regularly and love to read them. Bye for now.

booksbooksbooks

2009-07-01T13:09:00.000-07:00

So, this summer I've been trying to read some stuff that I've been putting off but have wanted to read for a while now, and in most cases that's what I've been able to do. Figured I'd let you guys in on how it's been going so far and maybe give you a taste of what they were like along the way.

First of all, to be completely honest, I tried Kierkegaard's Either/Or first, and got about twenty to thirty pages into the first volume before giving up for now. It was beautifully written, with a bunch of memorable parts (the opening paragraph on what it is to be a poet was amazing) but it just didn't jive with summer in my mind, so I went on to something else.

1. James Joyce - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

I've been wanting to read some Joyce for a while now, and a few of my friends and I all decided we'd read Ulysses this summer (not sure if that's going to happen, I may run out of time), but I thought that I should read his first novel before his second and cracked this baby. If I was expecting some kind of brighter, coming of age novel to start my summer, I must have forgotten it was set in dark, dirty, rainy, early 20th century Dublin. So, I didn't really escape what I had hoped to with leaving Kierkegaard behind, but it confronted a lot of things which were going through my mind already: religious confusion, expression, restlessness, the whole shebang. It's a great book, the only thing I'm a little iffy about is the style of the ending, haven't figured out what I think about it yet. However, it's a great book with a great character name: Stephen Dedalus (half martyred human and half over zealous god, fantastic). Here's a little snippet to wet your appetite:

He heard the sob passing loudly down his father's throat and opened his eyes with a nervous impulse. The sunlight breaking suddenly on his sight turned the sky and clouds into a fantastic world of sombre masses with lakelike spaces of dark rosy light. His very brain was sick and powerless. He could scarcely interpret the letters of the signboards of the shops. By his monstrous way of life he seemed to have put himself beyond the limits of reality. Nothing moved him or spoke to him from the real world unless he heard in it an echo of the infuriated cries within him. He could respond to no earthly or human appeal, dumb and insensible to the call of summer and gladness and companionship, wearied and dejected by his father's voice. He could scarcely recognise as his his own thoughts, and repeated slowly to himself: - I am Stephen Dedalus. I am walking beside my father whose name is Simon Dedalus. We are in Cork, in Ireland. Cork is a city. Our room is in the Victoria Hotel. Victoria and Stephen and Simon. Simon and Stephen and Victoria. Names.

2. Jeffrey Lent - In The Fall
I've had this one for a long time and just never got around to it and decided I finally should. It's a great novel, let alone it being a debut novel, about racial and just general familial relations set in the generations following the Civil War through the 1920's. You really should read it. Also, being published in 2000/2001 it's the most recent book I've read in a while. Here's a little bit to tide you over:

And so this left Norman. She felt a great fear of him, never once expressed and never would be. How could she explain that what she loved terrified her? He would understand and seek calm for her and so misunderstand completely. What she feared could not be reassured. The ones that can so simply destroy can never know they hold that power. Told to his face he'd laugh it away or at most watch her as a stranger for a day or two before falling back to his old easy rhythm with her. She knew his life too was shaped by hers but his was of solid construction: of granite rock, hardwood, black-turned earth. Hers was not even spiderweb but the dewbeads strung there on a summer morning.

3. Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Collected Stories

This is the first three books of short stories that Garcia Marquez released in their Spanish order. It was a really interesting read. Some of these are absolutely great, some are just really good. It was fun to read through and see how his writing progressed from the first stories to the last few. He really progressed. His descriptions are magical as always, but his topics changed from basically just death to basically everything. Here's a piece from "One Day After Saturday":

When he finished, the heat had set in. That intense, solid, burning heat of that unforgettable August. But Father Anthony Isabel was no longer aware of the heat. He knew that there, at his back, the town was again humbled, speechless with his sermon, but he wasn't even pleased by that. He wasn't even pleased with the immediate prospect that the wine would relieve his ravaged throat. He felt uncomfortable and out of place. He felt distracted and he could not concentrate on the supreme moment of the sacrifice. The same thing had been happening to him for some time, but now it was a different distraction, because his thoughts were filled by a definite uneasiness. Then, for the first time in his life, he knew pride. And just as he had imagined and defined it in his sermons, he felt that pride was an urge the same as thirst. He closed the tabernacle energetically and said: "Pythagoras." The acolyte, a child with a shaven and shiny head, godson of Father Anthony Isabel, who had named him, approached the altar. "Take up the offering," said the priest.

4. William Faulkner - The Sound and The Fury
I have to admit, this is my first Faulkner. He's really good. I know that everyone makes a big deal out of comparing Faulkner and Hemingway, but I don't think they're really comparable; they're two separate beasts. I'm a humongous Hemingway fan, but reading Faulkner made me look at Hemingway in a completely different way. I think Faulkner's scope is larger, but I think Hemingway will last longer and has had a larger effect. I'll explain more if anyone wants to know individually, but here's a piece from this great book:

When the shadow of the sash appeared on the curtains it was between seven and eight oclock and then I was in time again, hearing the watch. It was Grandfather's and when Father gave it to me he said, Quentin, I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire; it's rather excruciating-ly apt that you will use it to gain the reducto absurdum of all human experience which can fit your individual needs no better than it fitted his or his father's. I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.

5. Karl Marx and Frederick Engels - The Communist Manifesto
This was one that I've felt I've needed to read for a long time. Kind of fitting, now that I think about it, that I just wrote the above quote before this book. I don't think that the end which Marx and Engels sought will be able to be accomplished. It was truly sad for me, because for all the stress on the historical perspective of communism that they write of, I couldn't escape the historical context of where I'm reading this pamphlet-like explanation from. I can't look at it without looking at it through the tainted glasses of Soviet Russia, the Red Revolution in China and Castro's Cuba. I can't get past the failed Soviet Bloc and the human rights atrocities of China and the parts of this philosophy that were put into action; although they may or may not be linked in actuality, they forever will be in my mind. I wish I had someone who knew this stuff really well in order to talk to them, to be able to ask them, "What is supposed to happen after the overthrow?" Anyway, here's a piece of it which is moving in some way, most of the rest of it is comprised of historical comparisons, this is the end of the 4th section and of the manifesto:

"The Communists disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Working men of all countries, unite!"

Anyway, that's how far I've gotten this summer. Wish I were reading more quickly. Next, I think I'm going to crack into Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. I've wanted to read it for a long time and got a really good translation of it at a used bookstore a few weeks ago. Here's the first line, which does a pretty good job convincing me to read the rest, no matter how long it may take me:

"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

HELLO! waving ecstatically

2009-06-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

So.

Summer has come for me as of last night. I got all unpacked and everything this week, aka the books are finally unpacked and looking at me. That's great news in my world. Makes me feel so much more relaxed for some reason. Also, cried for the first time in a very long time. Horrible, but kind of glad I did. Now that that's over, I can get on with things.

I have a question for you masses. Should I attach myself to the world or not? Here's the thing. I've been thinking for a long time that I should attach myself to the ground, at least by one goddamn foot (sorry, I read Salinger last night, still a little hungover from it). I'm reading a novel at the moment that seems to agree with that concept, at least for now. THEN, I read Hapworth 16, 1924 by Mr. J.D. himself and Seymour Glass snags the linchpin right out of my gears. I really do love that character. He revels in the worldly, loves it to death, but it seems as if from an appreciatory, outside perspective. As if he can appreciate it because it doesn't really matter either way to him personally. That would be pretty damn cool.

So I guess it doesn't come down to whether I want to be attached to the world or not, but whether I want to be in the dirt myself or looking at muddy children saying, "how marvelous!" If you could all get back to me, it'd be much appreciated. Thanks.

In other news, I love letter writing. I've been writing my friend Britta all school year and have started up with my friends from school Emily and Chris since we left for home. Just a couple letters into the correspondence with either of them. Sent out my first side of the paper to Chris today after receiving his first last week, got another one from Emily today as well so I'll be working on that in the next few days. Sent one to Britta a while ago, wish she'd respond soon! I just like hearing how she's doing. She's a wonderful person and can write pretty well as far as getting at what she means to say (isn't that all writing is anyway?). I know it's nearing the end of her semester though, so hopefully she'll get back on that bandwagon soon.

Other than all that, I'm bored to tears. Wish I had more things to occupy my time (sometimes you just need to do something outside!) or more people I could really talk to here. Haven't been able to write either until this week, which was a huge problem inside my brain but very glad that it's somewhat solved itself. Anyway, I'm just glad to be back in the land of the living, back in the land of Marshall in the summertime, and back somewhat to myself.

"I kiss your noble, unsung feet, John Kolb, native of Troy, brother of an uncruel Hector!"

I'm taking up residence in Hapworth for a while.

"Love & Theft"

2009-05-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm here by myself.

I really like being by myself and being accountable to just myself. It simplifies things. I can take care of myself and I can prove that to myself.

But there's always this one moment, I had one last night, where you hear something that doesn't belong. Naturally, your sense of hearing goes up all the way, and something echoes from outside, something falls upstairs, something wakes you up. And it just doesn't sound like it should have happened.

These moments always make me question my ability to take care of myself. Can I do things by myself, completely, without feeling as if something doesn't fit or something doesn't feel right?

I understand I'm a social creature, but a lot of the time in social situations, I feel awkward. I don't fit in completely; sometimes I do, but not really often. So why do I get so much more satisfaction out of being around people?

Do I need someone else? I think the answer to that question, whether I want it to be or not, is yes, but I don't know who that person is.

There's this other aspect to me that says if I want to accomplish what I truly can, I'll have to do it by myself; that my true capabilities are only found deeply within me and can only be dug up by these two hands. I could get by. I could live a life that was respectable, viewed as full, and, hopefully, generally happy. But I would know that I wasn't accomplishing everything I could. There's something within me that wouldn't be able to get out if I don't actively pursue it, and that pursuit would be of me seeking myself.

So where does that leave me now? I desire someone by my side. I want to prove myself to myself, let alone whoever ends up next to me. I enjoy social situations, but am an introspective person.

And so I'm here. Not quite sure how to connect to this world all the time, but quite sure that the ability to do so will keep me sane. As long as I can connect to someone else, as long as I can grab onto something physical, as long as I can keep at least one foot on the ground, I'll be able to make it. But at this point, I don't have someone to grab on to to keep me here. I'm doing okay, but I look forward and realize that's partly what I need. How can I ask that of someone though? "Excuse me, I think you're really cute, and nice, and a fantastic person in general. Will you be my one connection to the world if everything else fails?" It's an icebreaker, I suppose.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, not quite sure why. Well, I do know why, but I wish I could get over that. A few old thoughts have been making their ways back into my brain lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I know none of those people would actually work. There was one that was really close, and if things were different than they are right now it might be able to work. But I know that things aren't the way I would like them if I were to pursue that option right now. It's not the right time, if there ever will be again. I know that, at least. The other ideas are even further from any type of fruition.

So I'm here by myself.

It simplifies things. Maybe for a good reason right now. I feel flimsy in some ways, so maybe I need a simple life for a little while, even if that means there isn't a hand for me to grab when I hear a noise somewhere that doesn't seem to fit, or when I think a thought that scares me, or hear a piece of music that moves me, or anything else that contributes to being human.

Maybe this summer will be more like a search for myself than I was intending. Maybe. I could do a lot of reading (which I've already started and James Joyce is pretty awesome) and hopefully some writing. If I do, I'm sure you'll hear of it. I know this post wasn't a normal one for me, but it's the first time I've been able to get this down into words, except for that one conversation with Emily a couple weeks before school got out. That was the most honest I've ever been about this, that conversation with her. Why was I so honest? I often wonder what it is that makes me open up completely to some people when I find it so difficult to open myself up to the rest. Sometimes it backfires right into my face, a lot of the time actually. But I keep going, hoping this one will turn out to be a true, deep friend. That's all she and I have, friendship, but it's something so incredible when you really think about it. She's some kind of foothold for me, in case I start to slip, someone I can fall back on in some ways, although not every way. I'm okay with that; that's probably all I want from that relationship, although it's a lot to ask. As for the other kind of relationship which I don't have, I guess I can just wait. Wait and read and write and talk. Something will eventually come or I will be able to figure out how to live without it. It's the second option that I'm not quite sure how to do, but I don't think I have to know how yet. I'll just keep hoping the first happens.

So for this summer, I'm having a good time. The camping trip was fun (although I got sick after we had raccoon problems and a thunderstorm flooded the tent), I've been hanging out with Brian and the gang a lot lately and that's been really good... I've been keeping myself busy.

There are still a lot of friends I haven't seen yet that I really want to see. Most of us will probably see each other soon and I'm looking forward to it.

For right now, I will take care of myself in the daylight. I'll make some lunch, feed the dogs, maybe write a letter to a good friend (I do like writing letters quite a bit), and hopefully by the time tonight rolls around I'll have made enough headway during the day that I won't have to really think about the night. I'll just lay down and sleep will come easily.

Well, hey, a guy can hope, right?

"Run Like a Race for Family"

2009-04-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

So the semester is coming to a close.

A few things right off the bat:

1) I hate saying certain types of things that are known to everybody already. For instance, "this summer is going to be weird to go back home." (yes, it is, and yes, i've thought about it a lot) My point is that I don't like to say stuff that obvious out loud, even though I do. Makes me feel all weird and constricted in my stomach.

2) It is currently blowing like crazy here and about to really rain. I'm looking very much forward to this. It's going to smell awesome.

3) I'm not quite sure how things are going to pan out this summer (see #1).

4) Iron & Wine rocks my socks.

5) I'm done with making a list.

So, the semester is almost over. Everyone's making a big deal out of being a quarter of the way through our time here. Not that big of a deal to me for some reason. The bigger deal to me is going back home for the summer. I have this weird feeling about it that I can't figure out yet. It's either going to be great (and the kind of great that is the best summer I've ever had great) or just boring and kind of lonely. Not really sure which, hoping for the first.

There's a girl here that likes me. Thought it was true for a while, know for pretty damn sure now. Roommate making a big deal out of it, because relationships are still a novelty to him (which I think is really refreshing to see, and maybe more people should be more like that, myself included), but I can't explain to him certain things that I would have to in order to explain myself in this arena. Point being, she's not for me. She's great, and a great person, but she doesn't speak her mind as much as she should. She has great thoughts and talks quite a bit, but those thoughts aren't always tied to the vocalizing that goes on. My being more of an introspective person and not talking a ton unless it's something that I think should be said (I'm obviously only talking about real conversations here, I've been known to crack a joke or two as well). I feel bad, because I feel like I may be responding to her in some ways, but I think it's only because I want that feeling again of closeness to someone, which she is somewhat offering. I just don't think it would work out. Anyway, just weighing on my mind.

What's not weighing on my mind anymore is my schedule for next year. It looks great. American Lit from Colonial to Civil War, British Lit of 19th century (with one of my favorite professors and now a good friend will be taking it too), Hispanic Lit for a Spanish class, Word & Image a humanities honors course, and the basic theology course through the honors college. I'm pumped.

I will be living across campus from most of my friends next year (space ran out in the building they're all in before I could sign up), so I'm a little worried about getting left behind. It seems to be happening right now between my friends and me, but I keep reminding myself that it's just because it's approaching finals week and a bunch of people have papers and projects.

Watched Milk last night with some friends. It was a pretty well done movie, and Sean Penn for Best Actor makes a lot of sense. Still have to see Doubt though, and PSH might pull through for me. I've heard it's really good and I'm basically the only one in my group of friends who didn't get to see it over break. That's going to have to happen soon.

Other than all of that, I'm writing a couple papers. One for my Math class which I haven't started yet (really need to do that sometime soon), and the other for my honors college course. It's a 20 page research paper about The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. Pretty amazing book. I finished up a paper about a book of Flannery O'Connor's short stories for my short story class this morning and returned those books so that's done. I'm reading The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros in my Spanish class, and that's going pretty well (and no paper, so I'm glad about that). Everything's basically winding down from here on out.

I'm basically just waiting for my parents to get here with the boxes so I can pack my life away. Ha, sheesh.

Second Story

2009-04-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

Posted my second story for class on my other blog if anyone wants to go look at it. Just listening to Bon Iver in my room and chilling for an evening. It's the first time this has happened in a while and I'm kind of glad it is. Anyway, let me know what anyone thinks. Thought I would let you know via this because I know people read this blog more often than the other one.

Bye for now.

"16 Shells From a Thirty-Ought Six"

2009-04-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

Tom Waits is the biggest badass ever.

I'm hitting major writing procrastination. It's not that I know I have writer's block. I just don't feel like trying at all. But I have to turn in this hip-shot of a story tomorrow night and there's no time for me to go back to another idea. Time to get to work.

Ever been to Singapore?

Shit. That growl. I'm getting back to work.

My Weekend

2009-04-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while since I've posted on here and I had the most magnificent of all weekends that I could have ever had, especially after last week, that I feel the need to tell you guys about it. Hopefully you'll understand how awesome it was.

So to set this up, I was having a pretty shitty week. I had done two papers, two presentations, a writing conference, had to e-mail Costa Rica for some info (which I actually think was pretty cool, but a lot of sitting and waiting to do anything), and on top of all that had a debate about Carbon Neutrality. Oh, and I was more sick than I've been in years.

So, needless to say, some good karma was headed my way (even though that's not how karma works at all).

Friday, I was planning on going to this open panel discussion on the representation of GLBT on campus at Valpo. A little back story, recently one of the senators who had held one of the minority seats on the student senate got ousted for not being a racial/ethnic minority like it said the minority seat had to be, her being a lesbian. Needless to say, this caused a basic uproar among some groups and there was a lot of damage control done, some of which I admit was done via this discussion probably. BUT, I didn't end up going because our ride to a concert that night cancelled. So I fidget around for an hour or two until the twins grandfather says we can borrow his car and drive it to Goshen and back that night. Yeah.

So that's what we did. We drove to Goshen College and saw Chris Thile and his group The Punch Brothers in concert there (that's a mandolin, guitar, bass, banjo, and violin quintet for those of you who don't know them) and it was absolutely great. Got back earlier than we thought so we just hung out at Steak and Shake for a while and then took the car back. That night we watched The City of Lost Children, which I'd gotten on Netflix (one of the best innovations in the past few years I must say). That movie was ridiculous. It was pretty cool, but I was pretty tired. All I can really say to spike your interest is a brain in a jar doling out advice to a genius man who can't dream and so he steals children to steal their dreams. Oh, and Ron Perlman is involved.

I slept in on Saturday morning and then ambled over for some lunch. Convinced the group to go see the play on campus last weekend, The Shape of Things. It was phenomenal. It's my favorite play I've seen on campus so far. Very well acted and pretty well written too. Very low key set wise and stage wise, but it worked. The acting was basically phenomenal though, on all accounts. Only four actors in the whole thing, but they all carried their weight. I also loved the fact that they broke that barrier between audience and performance by the end. It was pretty cool. Also, it was one of the edgiest plays they seem to have done here. A lot of sexual conversations and scenes, but I'm glad they did it. It was needed for the story, but not overdone, which I suppose is a testament to the writing of it more than anything.

After that we basically talked about art for a few hours and what it means. What art is, what subjectivity/objectivity are and how they fit into art, what we thought about the play and why it affected us the way it did with the various aspects to it: shock, suspense, surprise, etc.

That night I convinced a couple friends to go to the Cabaret, a miscellaneous talent night of sorts that the English Dept. has put on every year for the past few years. I have to say, I was excited to go, but it turned out to be so much more amazing than I could have hoped for. I'll just list off some of what was included: poetry readings, short story readings, banjo sing-along by a couple profs, a reading of Casey at the Bat by a prof, tae kwon do routines by the assistant of the college of arts and sciences and her pals, a film noir half acting/half film take on a nancy drew alter ego type ordeal with some students and a prof and some live music to go with it, a modern piano piece, and a cello solo. We also think there was a 50-something spinster there with her 20 year old european boyfriend. All of this with free food and some friends there with me. It was pretty great.

Later that night, we called up our friend Jake and watched a movie he'd gotten on Netflix called The Dreamers. It's NC-17, so I would feel weird recommending it to anyone because of all the graphic sex and various things that went along with the film (primarily incest), but this movie was literally phenomenal. It was a great movie. Everyone who watched it is still talking about it and what it meant. There's this one scene that I just think is such a great scene, I can't get over it. Anyway, like I said, I can't really recommend this French one to you, but I highly enjoyed it, despite what some people would be really creeped out/embarrassed about. It was pretty cool, and I'll stand by that.

Sunday, I did a lot of church. Not very fulfilling services either, which was a downer, but I did that and basically homework for most of the day. That evening I just took my computer down to a lounge and started writing for my next short story. I had the rough rough draft done in an hour. It was the most productive writing session I've had in a while. I used some of my older stuff in it, and that was a nice development. The older stuff, I suppose, was just biding its time until the right story came along. Anyway, I have to turn it in next week, so expect that to be posted to the other blog soon. If you haven't read my first short story for that class, it's up on the other blog already and you should comment on it and let me know what you think. The next one is really different from the first one, and I think more in the vein of the traditional short story than the last one. Anyway, we'll see what happens. I still have almost a whole week to tinker with it before I have to commit myself to anything.

Talk to you all soon. Looking forward to seeing some of you this weekend.

"i am goodbye"

2009-03-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

I'm back.

Feeling better than I have in a long time. Reading. Seeing family. Not seeing a ton of friends, but hopefully that will change this weekend. Spring break isn't the best, but I think I just needed to reconnect with real things. Some things had me down and the college life wasn't letting me get back up. Now I just need to stay this way long enough to get through break and the last month and a half or so of school (I do really enjoy school, it's just rough on the system sometimes).

But for now, I'm back. And happy.

P.S. We should hang out.

P.P.S. All concerts that I had been planning on seeing fell through, however I'm still very excited about Oldham's new release in a couple weeks.

This might seem like a complaint, but is only so against myself.

2009-02-20T21:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not having a very good week in my head.

It was going okay, pretty well actually, up until Wednesday night. I went to this book reading by an alumni who's a pretty successful author now, and it was really interesting to go to. But while I was there I witnessed this older man, kind of large, act horribly. One of the school paper's photographers had been taking pictures up front during the reading, and as he was walking back, still during the reading mind you, this old man reaches out to signal him over. The kid leans in and the guy nearly spits in his face while saying in the most hateful way, "you jerk, nice going jerk, way to go," and as the kid walked away blushing red because everyone had heard the insult over the speaker, the guy shook his head as if to vindicate his opinion. I could have thrown him out myself. It ruined my day, even though the rest of it had been going okay, and it ruined the next too. I didn't go to her other session because of it.

Then today, I have a pretty great day, a very religiously cohesive one for me, all is well and I write a paper on a Flannery O'Connor book and I really mean what I'm saying in it. God God God, you know? But then tonight, I'm hanging out, in my socks with my feet on the table, in one of the rooms available for studying while my friends are writing their papers and this guy who works there pops his head in and says very quickly and condescendingly, "will you take your feet off the table, please?" So, I just left, because it bothered me too much, on top of my being slightly annoyed at my friends at the time.

I've been feeling very lonely. I have this problem around February every year, sometimes a little earlier and sometimes a little later but usually taking place at least in part in February, where everything just seems a little less worthy. What am I doing here? What will I do? Who am I, and why does it matter anyway? I don't mean it to sound like a woe is me moment or anything, because I hate those, but I just call into question everything about myself and I can't seem to get out of that circle until time takes its course and something pushes it out of my mind. This happens periodically, and then eventually something happens where it leaves my mind until the next year (that is, leaves my mind at that extreme, of course these are important questions for everyone to ask themselves periodically anyway).

Basically all of this can only be solved by having people around me, and more than anything I feel alone right now. I get annoyed at my friends here, although I have to figure out who to room with (I'm sure it will work out, but I just seem to find the worst in people right now). I have tons of homework. The people I would talk to here are in their own worlds, in their own thoughts, which is fine, but annoying when I feel lost in mine. For instance, one of my friends here with whom I'm able to talk openly is all over the place in her mind. Especially when it gets later, so it was a bad idea to be studying with them tonight, and when in a group it's even worse, another reason I shouldn't have been there. But now I feel as if I don't want to do anything with them for a while, even though they're really the only option I have (which is a horrible thought, not only because I truly feel that way at the moment, but because usually I really enjoy being with them).

I tried talking to a friend of mine from home, and I feel as if they're just blowing me off, and the reason I suspect they are just makes it worse for me.

I'm going to be home in about a week, and I'll be glad to see my friends that are there, but most of them won't be. During the day, everyone will have their own lives to care to, and I'll just be there in an empty house. Not really the kind of vacation I was looking forward to. I was planning on going to a concert over break, but that looks like everything possible which could happen is trying to stop it. My friends want to just buy the tickets and figure it out later, some won't even commit to anything at all, and I'm left worrying about whether I should spend some of what little money I have on tickets to maybe see the concert with people who've been annoying me lately. It doesn't sound like a great spring break to me, although I'm sure it will be okay, something always works its way out. I am looking forward to seeing people in the Marshall area though, like I said, I really need to see some of them again, I think it will make me feel better and I haven't spoken to some of them in a really long time. I miss having people know who I am, even when I don't.

So this sounds like one long complaint now, but I didn't mean it to be and I hope it's not completely. There's just a lot on my plate at the moment, among many other excuses for this inexcusable emotion. I just don't know what to think about myself, and the bigger problem is that I don't see that I ever will.

I need to read a novel, something that's not a short story. I've been reading too many of those. They've all been very good, but I need something that's a commitment. I need something that takes thought and will and nerve, and doesn't deal with God anymore than everything does to the mind of a raised Lutheran.

I need to devote myself to something in order to move out of this moment. Even it's somewhat superficial in motive. I guess it won't be superficial if it turns out to be good.

I'm ready to go home and lose myself in my bookshelves for a couple weeks (I don't even want to think about going back to do FAFSA, get harassed about summer jobs, not spend any time with my sister, and come back to homework and stress here after it's all over).

I basically need a good night's sleep. I need one really badly, but I don't feel one coming.

Kept Awake

2009-01-25T11:07:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first night that I've been kept up by an idea for a story. I just took all my stuff down to the lounge at the end of the hall and started typing it up. I used some stuff that I'd written in my little notebook that I got over break and most of it came from experiences I've had the last few times I've been home. Some of it was made up. The narrator and his partner were switched from real life, and the other guy was a mixture of a couple different people, although most of the events which are in the story are based off of just one friendship that I have, and pretty strongly based. I hope that some of the feeling underneath what I was saying comes out. I hope the symbols kind of helped. I wonder if I really needed to use that device. However, I think that as long as I come up with some kind of title this might be the first one that I use for my short story class.

I started at 3:30 because I couldn't just sleep with that idea rattling around in my head, and was done typing it out by 6. I'm tired as hell and a little off with a lot of homework in front of me for this afternoon. But I feel accomplished. I'll post it eventually, not sure when.

Can You Find The Differences In These Mirror Images?

2009-01-19T14:08:00.001-08:00

I want to make the distinction that we do these things for different reasons. You do them to fit in or become part of some group or be acccepted or revert back to some perverted form of your old ways. I flirted with some of that theory. I do them to escape what is in front of me for just a little while. Coincidentally, this is also the only acceptable reason to read sci-fi or fantasy, escapism. It's some way to jump blindly into that area that you do not know. I suppose a lot of the time it's just made things more complicated for most people, giving them alternate realities to deal with when they can't deal with just one. It doesn't seem like the healthiest of options. But in the end, I'm not really looking for healing. I'm just looking for a quiet moment to collect myself before coming back to the real world. It doesn't really help, but I'd like to think it does.

It's odd that I hate fantasy.

Instead of some kind of escape, I read The Road. Figure me out.

Also, even if done for different reasons, if we end up in the same spot, does it really matter? If we're mirror images with the same parts to the picture, does it matter that we're opposite photographs?

Am I just mad at myself for my hidden image holding?

Can you decide whether a relationship is possible because of how the other person walks with you? This is the only one I have an answer to, and the answer is, I believe, yes.

End of the Year Music List

2008-12-14T10:29:00.000-08:00

At the end of every year, I catch myself reflecting back on what all has gone on, and what all has happened in my life and the lives of others in the past year. Being that it's on my mind, I usually post something of the sort on whatever I'm using at the time. So, being the end of 2008, and all the Best of the Year in Music: the Bands You should Have Listened to If You Were As Cool As Us lists are coming out, which always kind of annoy me, but I decided to make one of my own. However, I'm going to write about the albums or artists which had some kind of significance to me, not just the ones I thought were really well done or that everyone should be listening to (although if there's something on this list, I would probably recommend it to you).

Before we get to the list, I would just like to make a few honorable mentions, the groups I listened to quite a bit and helped me get along so that I couldn't just leave them out completely: Philip Glass, Radiohead, Spiritualized, Bob Dylan, and The Velvet Underground. I found myself listening to these guys over and over again all year long and they were where I was able to find some peace of mind, or some music to match my mind, at pretty important parts of my life this year.

Now to the list.

Albums That I Remember From The Past Year

1. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Moving to college isn't all parties and jumping around. Within my first month of moving here, I was pretty lonely, and to be honest, from time to time there still is a deep loneliness within me. My idea of home has been gone for quite a while now, but I couldn't deceive myself any longer when I finally moved out. When I came back to my house for breaks and visits, the house felt empty and I found myself feeling kind of hollow on days when the family would all be off to work and school. It wasn't a bad feeling, it was necessary, but this album was the one I turned to more times than any other to match that feeling; when what you had has left, and you're alone in an echo-filled house which is no longer your home.

2. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
I picked up my cell phone, thinking to myself, "I wonder why she's calling me right now" and I heard a lot of chatter in the background. Then it sifted through the other noise. "Oliver James, lost in the rain, no longer". This was the album unanimously enjoyed by everyone I knew this year. It reminds me of all my friends, conversations, and mix cd's. The harmonies and somehow warm feeling that comes from this reminded me that everything was going to be alright. I'd get through it. The world would eventually be okay even if it wasn't right now. Who can say otherwise after listening to "White Winter Hymnal"? The song of not entirely bright lyrics sung by a group of people held together on their way to something better.

3. Bonnie "Prince" Billy - Lie Down In The Light
This one might be the most listened to album of my year. It actually accomplished for me what it says in the second song, which should tell you how good it will be as an afterthought, when it says, "You remind me of something, the song that I am, and you sing me back into myself." It did that for me time and again and that's all that really needs to be said about this one.

4. Calexico - The Black Light (and their entire discography)
This was the concert of my year, off with friends to see something which was, frankly, stupendous. Parking under the shadow of American consumerism, we walked into this little place in downtown Chicago and had to stand in the back because we'd walked in late and missed the opener. All the instruments get set up and they play and play and play. Over two hours later it was actually over but it didn't feel like it. That night on a friend's brother's couch I remembered back to the crowded room and remembered the trumpets' sound soaring over my head and hitting the back wall only to fall down and rush back around my feet and legs just so I could wade in that amazing music. I remembered it as vividly then as I do now.

5. Iron Wine - The Creek Drank The Cradle
This album seems to keep coming back every year since I was given it. This year the memory is from the first few weeks of school. My roommate and I had a couple friends over to stay up late talking about what was going on in our lives and watching movies; they were the first real friends we made here. The next morning one of them was laying there just thinking about everything that had been going on with her boyfriend and her home life and her life in general and I reached up to my computer and started this album. Before the first song was over, she was crying because it matched her at that moment completely, just as it has me many times before. The other friend there summed it up by saying that the past evening had been one of the best because it had been a completely close, personal, and pure thought-bearing time but at the same time completely platonic which none of us had experienced at that level by that point in our lives. This album reminds me of that now and I think it always will.

6. Daniel Johnston - Why Me? (Live from Berlin)
I watched the documentary The Devil and Daniel Johnston this year and then went looking for his music. This was the best to me of all I found. His songs are the thoughts, completely free flowing, of his perspective. My uncle has been dealing with his manic depression all year, and it has seemed like so much longer than it has been in regards to this new part of my life, but when I found this album, I found clear thoughts being expressed. It reminds me of my uncle somehow. Alone on a stage somewhere in some foreign country, just strumming a guitar without much skill but with quite a bit of feeling. And at the end of every song, there's applause.

7. Joanna Newsom - Ys
I love stories. I'm an English major simply for the literature aspect of it all: reading, discussing, and getting into someone else's thoughts for just a little while. Joanna Newsom is the best story teller I've come across yet and this album shows that remarkable talent so well. I tried to figure this album out for so long and just couldn't get it. This summer I laid in the hammock in my backyard with my headphones and just put this on and it all fell together. Being in the open air with the warm sun coming down on my face and sounds of birds sifting through the strings and harp made it all click for me. It was probably the best moment of my summer.

8. M. Ward - Transistor Radio
We were going to Disney World. The band had all piled into big buses and started our trek and had been going for an entire day. It was about 2 in the morning and everyone else had fallen asleep, everyone laying on top of each other and in the aisle. I was still awake. I turned on my iPod and put on this album. It was perfect. The road sweeping past and the little yellow dashes flying by. Driving through Atlanta in the dark, warm night lights stretching to the sky, accompanied by the acoustic strummings of a single man.

9. The National - Boxer
There was one night over the summer where I was awake in my bed late at night. There was a train going by in the distance and crickets chirping. I turned this on and the singer's voice was low and calming. "Fake Empire" is one of the best songs at 2 a.m. on a hot summer night.

10. Sufjan Stevens - Songs for Christmas
All my friends and I have been listening to this continuously the past couple weeks. I absolutely love it and I'm glad I have found people who enjoy banjo as much as I do. "Sister Winter" is one of my favorite songs of his hands down, one of the most moving that I know. I've found myself there many times, but the amazing thing to me is that in the same box set is his version of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel". The banjo being plucked and strummed and voices layered singing, "Rejoice, Rejoice".

And through everything that I've been through this year whether it be personal, familial, based in friendship, thought, or emotion, there are too many things to be thankful for. And so I find it appropriate to leave you there for now with the thoughts of Sufjan and his banjo singing, "rejoice, rejoice"; even if you've been overcome by sister winter you still know you are just waiting for something better to come along and that it will. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a great end to your year. I hope you have a great time back at home and for the holidays.

-jeremy

Holiday Update On the Family

2008-11-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

So, it's odd when you realize that you don't know anything about what's going on in your family until you're around them. And it's really weird when the time that you're around them is only holidays.

For instance, my cousin is homosexual and has come out to the family but has lived in Florida for years, so, in a way, a lot of the family hasn't had to deal with it much. Well, she's fallen for this great girl who lives near Chicago and my cousin moved up to be with her very recently. In comes Thanksgiving. Apparently my cousin decided to pop the question to her girlfriend a little bit ago and wanted to tell people about it. She didn't announce it en masse, but she did tell my family and her dad and stepmom. I'm completely happy for her, but it's really odd to see things like this come out because people are around each other at the holidays. I wonder what will happen at Christmas, haha.

Although, the thing is that news comes out when people are around each other no matter what the situation is, and that's what has happened within my immediate family as well. My dad was looking for the past few years at how to start up his own business and every time it has fallen through for various reasons: they up the price, they put in some new stipulation, and most recently he can't get the funding because of the way the economy is right now. This last one looked like it was really going to come through. When I was home for break, he took me through the restaurant he was going to get and showed me around. He looked so happy, purposeful, and his mind was just working toward some goal that he really wanted to see come to fruition, which is exactly the way my dad's mind should be working. But the people that he was looking to to help him finance it, came back to him and said that they would have gone into a business venture like that with him in any other circumstance, but with the way everything's been going in the markets lately they can't take the risk that comes with starting a new business like that. All of that happened before break.

A little history. My dad spent nearly 20 years in retail and did really well at his job, but lost one and then another for various reasons throughout the years: one company went under, he didn't fire someone without valid reason in another, it was decided the position they wanted him to fill was actually not going to be needed because they had too many people already and the other person had been with the company longer. My dad spent six months unemployed and it was the worst six months of his adult life, of that I am sure. He felt like he couldn't do anything for us, because he had always viewed his position as the provider of the family. My mom had to go back into the workforce, and she now has a job that she enjoys but the position she had before that led to a ton of stress and some other things which I know my dad feels responsible for, at least in part. So my dad switched careers and went into home mortgage lending. He's lost three jobs to mergers or the company making cuts, but that's the reality of that kind of job these days. It's really happening to everyone. Now he's in one of the few large banks left and his dream job that would get him out of that failing market has been cut off with the news of the restaurant's financing falling through. Then Thanksgiving Break comes and we find out that he's going to take a huge pay cut. He was told months ago his salary was gone and he would only be getting commission. Now they've cut that too. What is he supposed to do now? I guess just keep working, according to them.

I'm going to a college that costs $35,000 per year. Now that's not entirely true for me, because I've gotten a lot of scholarships for my academics and things which has brought this down to about 10,000 per year (about the average price for college these days from what I can see). But still, how are we supposed to keep doing this? Can we get loans? Can we support this education? I'm sure we'll figure it out, but I feel absolutely awful when they have to put money into my payment every month. I pay too, but we agreed at the beginning of the year to split it. I'm working on campus to make my portion, but the reality is that I can't afford to pay the whole payment even though I would like to do that. My sister is a junior in high school, so she's starting to look at where she wants to go to school. How are we going to do more than one? We'll probably both have to get more schooling down the road, so my parents don't want us to have tons of loans for our undergrads before going on and getting more. My dad looks at all the files of people with huge amounts of loans all the time and they have it pretty difficult. I think he's worried that we're going to end up like all those people he sees. My financial aid probably would have gone up significantly, well it probably still will some, because of these developments, but it won't go up as much as it could have because they cashed in some of their investments to put them into the business. However, now that the business isn't happening, it just turned into money that they now have but didn't before, aka less financial aid funds and more payments for us.

I think when it comes down to it, I'm just worried about the whole economic situation of the country and how that affects my family directly. The Big Three bailout stuff is affecting us too. One of my uncles is living off of a GM pension, one manages his own trucking company, another works for another car company, as does my cousin. They're all, except possibly my cousin, going to suffer quite a bit if GM goes under and definitely if all three go under. There were arguments and discussions and shouting matches all through the family Thanksgiving about this stuff. Many different opinions and a lot of internally conflicted people. What do they think needs to happen for the company? What do they think needs to happen for them to survive? What do they think should happen? Not very many clear answers.

Not very many from them or it seems anybody else. The whole picture is falling apart and no one has stepped up that knows what to do yet. Remember when green energy was going to be a huge part of the campaign for President? It's just turned into the economy through and through. Now we're just waiting for January 20th and hoping beyond hope, and I know what word I'm using, that on January 21st something starts happening.

Proposition 8 and The Gang

2008-11-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

The debate on same-sex marriage has been brought to the forefront once again. So, I've been thinking about it since the banning in several states and here's what I think: When it comes to same-sex marriage, I think the problem is that we get caught up in words.

The purpose of words is to convey meaning. The problem with English is that those who speak it are very limited in what they can say. Thinking of this, it makes English one of the most primitive developed languages in my mind. Think of the word love. We have only one word for one of the most important concepts of human life. How can this be possible? Greeks had the words agape, eros, and philia among others to describe these truly difficult to explain feelings. How is this word conveyed to those who we are speaking to? The only way I can see is by tone, which is sadly, largely lost in average writing.

And so I offer my thoughts on same-sex marriage. It comes down to the word marriage. What does it mean? The point is that, whatever it does mean, it being almost as indescribable as love, it has different meanings for every person who looks at the word. It goes from meaning a union between two people and God, to a legal union in the eyes of the State, to a deal which can be gotten out of, to a meaningless concept which has no meaning any longer. And all of these opinions are just from heterosexual people. To every person who goes into a marriage, the meaning is different, whether they be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or otherwise. And so, even though I don't think that a homosexual marriage has the same type of meaning that my marriage would have if I ever got married, I also realize that no other person's marriage would have the same meaning as mine. So the question is presented: What does marriage mean to you? And after you've truly thought about that and figured it out, does my definition of it in my mind make yours any less significant to you? I want to know if my personal definition changes the way you think about yours. I think it's a union between two people who love each other, that they recognize their best aspects are brought out by being with the other person, some form of your partner making you want to be the better person you could be but aren't always, while knowing that the relationship you share with that person is different from all others you have known. That is a lifelong relationship, in my opinion. Does this change what you hold dear about your loved ones or your concept of marriage?

If it does, go out and campaign with all your heart, mind, and soul in support for all these proposals for bans of marriages between same-sex couples, but know that as you do, and it has been shown this past week, that you will be met with just as much force from the other side. We are all people. Do you see the other side's face? The reason these proposals won was good campaigning. That's all there was to it. A ban on same-sex marriage won in California? All it shows to me is that one side was organized and the other wasn't. Just remember that both sides are human. Don't let all of our shared humanity be thrown out the window over an argument of an indescribable word.

After thinking about it, I don't think my definition of marriage is changed by any others' understanding of that word. If I fell in love with someone, completely head over heels, and felt like I should be with them the rest of my life, I don't know if marriage would have to happen, but I do know I would want it to be an option and I would feel hurt if it was kept from me because of that very love which made me want it in the first place. What a contradiction that is from my view. I probably won't go out and campaign for same-sex marriage, because I view it as different from my view as any other person's view of marriage, but, if it ever came across my path in the voting booth, I would vote for it and never ban it. I could never ban another person's seeking some way to cement the love they feel. For what is love if not a personal, original feeling?

My only advice: think for yourself.

An Eclectic Approach to Blogging

2008-11-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

So, I just wanted to update from my last post being that I haven't spoken with many of you since then (I've been ridiculously busy with the play and homework and trying to figure out my schedule for next semester).

I am feeling somewhat more at ease. None of my problems are gone, but I seem to be able to live more easily in a world with them. The odd thing is that my brain hurts more than it ever has, in terms of personal thoughts, and that hasn't gone away in the least bit. It's almost as if I'm just getting used to it being that way and now it doesn't feel as if it's as big of a problem to live this way. I think my mind will be more made up on life after Thanksgiving Break. I'm going to have a lot of time to myself to just think and I think that will be good for me.

I think I'm going to finish that Kafka I'm reading (The Castle) today because I'm done with classes for the day and don't have anything to do until the play tonight. The next book I read may be Walden by Thoreau. I've wanted to read that in its entirety for such a long time and I feel as if I need some kind of experience like that right now, if only through reading a book I guess I'll take that too. I'm kind of looking forward to it though, it should be really good. If I don't read that, I'm going to read the first instillation of Gabriel Garcia Marquez's autobiography called Living To Tell The Tale. It's supposed to be just as amazing as his novels, of which I am a big fan.

In other news, I'm hoping beyond hope I get into this short story writing class next semester. It would just be a fun class to me that would count as an elective English course for my major. Most of it is analyzing and discussing famous short stories. I think we have to write two short stories of our own for the class over the semester and write two essays for our exams and that's all besides discussions two evenings per week. It sounds basically amazing. However, I don't register until Tuesday and there are only two spots left in the class. Keep your fingers crossed.

My last sidenote: I seem to have been caught by St. Augustine. One of the most interesting philosophers/theologians I've ever read. He brings a whole new perspective to Christianity in terms of looking at it as a philosophy. Still don't know what I think about that whole thing as of right now. It should be interesting, at least, to think some things through when I'm home alone with a cup of hot chocolate and my brain for a few days over break.

P.S. I can't wait to see all my friends from home in a couple weeks!

Odd Thoughts at the Beginning of November

2008-11-01T20:37:00.001-07:00

So, today is the first day of November. It's hard to believe that October is already over. It seems it went by so quickly. My brain's been running non-stop for a while now and there doesn't seem to be a whole lot I can do about it. Although, I don't know if I should do something about it. I think that my reason for being here or at least the purpose in what I do is to think, to be a thinker. It doesn't matter really what the topic is even. Whether the meaning of Heart of Darkness or philosophy, it all grabs my attention equally. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future as well. I dropped my Secondary Ed degree and am just pursuing an English major. Eventually, I think I'm going to get a PhD and teach at the university level, but the reason I'm skipping the Secondary Ed step is that I don't think I'll be able to do what I want to at the high school level. I thought about what I want to do as a teacher and here it is: I want to watch kids think for themselves. I don't want to tell them what the meaning of some Shakespearean play or Harlem Renaissance poem means because who the hell am I to know? All I wish is to see and hear those people who will be my students figuring out an answer for themselves. I don't want the specific books we read in class or the test grades at the end to be my focus. I want their focus to be my goal.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking because I've felt kind of lonely on some level while I've been here. I mean, I have great friends and they're developing more and more the longer that I'm here and I think I'm more comfortable here than I am at home now, but there was something nagging at me from some point that I couldn't quite label. I've been going through this whole existential crisis thing which really started around the beginning of the summer, and trying to figure out my beliefs and thoughts on religion and spirituality, but I don't think that's really what was at the heart of that feeling of loneliness and I don't think that feeling was why I started thinking about those topics, although it has been a conversation with myself worth having and which needed to happen more seriously without just being brushed aside for later (there is no later ever promised). I think it was something more personal and to those who think they have an idea of what I'm talking about, they probably do. I think I'm coming to a better understanding of where I am in terms of this whole thing or at least I'm coming to a less confusing stance on what I think about it. The only thing which is giving me this odd feeling at the back of my mind is the next time. I don't know what feelings or reaction I will have. I'll have to see how it goes and not really think much about it until then, because there's really nothing I'll be able to do until that happens and I have enough to do in the meantime.

Speaking of which, I feel extremely busy and extremely low on sleep, which just made it all so much better that I was able to have a day today with some of my friends where we just kind of sat around and relaxed. With the extremely small amount of sleep I've gotten over the last couple nights, getting up at 7:45 with Kyle this morning to go get cheap candy from the store was a little rough around the edges, but worth it as I look at the bags upon bags of candy sitting across from me (which we have yet to dive into). After napping for a little longer and then getting some lunch, I had some time just to myself in my room which hasn't happened for a long time. It was really nice. I read some Kafka (The Castle) and was just left to my own thoughts for a while. Then my Dad called and we spoke about things which was good but then later my Mom called as well after I'd spoken what I wanted to and in the middle of my next chapter. I got annoyed with her which has happened more and more lately and it kind of bothers me that I feel that way more frequently. After that, the group of us watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang which was fun, tried to fly a kite, took our dinner outside and had a make-shift picnic, then came back and hung out while the twins played some music. I went and had a conversation with Hilary which is always nice but inevitably always brings up what is at the heart of my loneliness, in a way, because she is going through something eerily similar. Now I'm back for a little bit and by myself, but there's also rap music invading through the window. So, I'm updating my blogs a little bit while I have the time to think about things a little more clearly and enjoying coming to some conclusion of thought on them for the moment. I'm off to play Scrabble with the group in a little bit and until then I think I'm just going to relax. Sleeping in is going to feel very good tomorrow.

The First Trip Back Home

2008-10-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

It was an odd weekend. This past weekend, I went home for the first time since going to college. It was great to see all of my friends and hang out with them, but just being home was odd, and that's really the most fitting word for the feeling.

My dad and grandma picked me up on Wednesday afternoon and we spoke about a lot of things around campus, but on our walk I realized how old my grandmother is getting. I knew that she was nearing eighty, but I could just see how much she'd aged in the time that I'd been gone. She seems to have been having a really rough time with things. When I got back to Marshall, I spoke with my parents for a little bit and saw my sister for the first time in a couple months which was nice but felt kind of surreal to be back at my house.

After staying up really late on Wednesday, I slept through the day Thursday. That night I went and saw the play Anne of Green Gables and loved seeing my friends who were in it. I thought they did a really good job with their roles.

I spent the day Friday doing not much of anything, but then later I met up with some friends of mine and had a great conversation for hours. It was the first time that I felt like I was home again; I felt like I belonged to some group again. That night I went to the football game and it was great to see everyone but it was odd to be back there.

On Saturday I was able to meet up with a good friend of mine at the local coffee shop and I was really happy to just sit and talk for a couple hours about everything from politics to history to what had been going on in our lives over the past few months and what's coming up in them. It was great. I went out to dinner with my sister and then went and saw her choir concert which went really well. I realized how much I'd been missing stuff going on in her life and it was kind of depressing to tell you the truth. However, that night I hung out with some friends and met some new ones. I spent a lot of time with Ian last night and it was really good to see him again. It felt like I was back in Marshall. We had to make a couple stops along the way and help a few people out, but it just reminded me of my summer and what Marshall had been for me before I left. It was nice to see Ian and talk and catch up and just chat about the position that everyone is in right now.

I came back today and my mom said that the minute I was back on campus I loosened up and was much more relaxed, that she could see it really easily. I don't know how to take that. I think that the weirdest thing with my not fitting in for the first couple days was that most of my friends my own age were not there (all in college and doing their own thing). It will be really good to see them all over the Thanksgiving Break and I'm really looking forward to it.

The First Post

2008-10-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

So this is my first post on blogpost and starting now you can officially say that I have been converted to a new site for my blogging. This is my personal journal and will be filled with my thoughts, opinions, and experiences. From where I sit in this library study room with three of my good friends, I am in an alright place but my mind is full of running thoughts and questions which I'm sure you'll have the pleasure of reading sometime soon. For now, my paper is done, music is playing, and J.D. Salinger is calling.

Bye for now.